bam

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 21:58:36 GMT

The difference is,
I won't give up.

I had my fun moving away for two years. All in all, it was worth it. I met who I needed to meet, and did what I needed to do--for the most part. But, what I didn't realize is that I was trying to be in too many places at once. I was so ready to say fuck it all, and never look back without caring that my family was falling apart. My selfish ways got the best of me I suppose.

But, once again I'll suck up my ego. Try my damnedest to do "what is best for me". Though, I'm not quite sure I know what that is yet. I feel inferior coming back home for even this short time. I feel like a failure. It took me this long to see that the people I associated with were such scumbags. Pardon me for saying, I won't be a part of it. Sure we all have our share of 'friends' that are just a little Too "out there". But, this is just too much for me.

I'm tired of being the only person who doesn't want the world to stare at me. The person who Doesn't want all the attention. Doesn't want to get surgery to make people notice me. It's sad really. Really fucking sad. People will be who they are regardless of who I am, but let me just say that I won't get caught up in the mess. You are who you hang out with no matter if you notice it or not. But, in all honesty.. It's very few I've found that are driven. Those that are, are long and gone, and maybe.. just maybe I wanted to be one of those people. Until now. I've had my share of ups and downs. Like any other person might. Been there, seen things I didn't want to. But, I for once have second thoughts about damning the world, and forgetting about absolutley everyone I've met.

Over time, I've seen myself change. It's nothing too tough to notice, but it wasn't until recently that I saw a different person. I found hope, and I didn't know what that felt like.. Until now.

It's only when it feels like things are half normal that I question myself. Only when I feel an ounce of happiness that I doubt it all. I surprisingly feel like I've found a job that I don't hate. That I'm not miserable at. And also, people that are just out there to be carefree as well. Forgive me for needing this for such a long time. Forgive me for being happy.

The question is if I can tolerate staying in this town much longer. Do I really want to start over from square one? Will I still feel this inferior when time rolls by? Or should I try to see the bigger picture in hopes of saving a few bucks, and being closer to the family I left behind. Only time will tell.

assholes

Thu, 22 May 2008 23:51:07 GMT

With all the complaining I could do, I'm trying to stay pretty humble about everything. It could be worse right? With all the chaos, I finally got a different vehicle. I heart my honda element. It's ugly & I love it. Let's just say it's the perfect beach car.

I just hope & pray that everything will pick-up again soon. I also hope I find an affordable place to live, without reading reviews about cops being shot in the parking lots.. and soon. After calling and looking at over 50 places you'd think I'd find something decent. It seems that right when I think that I have it all in the bag, I research a little to find it's some ghetto section 8.

I can't wait to start road tripping for the summer. Melbourne beach next week for a museum and some beach time. It's long overdue. I've been driving back & fourth to fort myers a little too often to make sure everything is okay with the family chaos. You never really realize how heartbreaking your family problems are until they all blow up at once. I can only hope for a better day though really. I'd never imagine that all that has happened would, but what can you do, eh?

I'm not sure why I'm somewhat content about Alex being over in Iraq. I've been hearing mixed things about the status over there, but I'm still hopeful about it all. It's been months already, and we'll hopefully meet up in Costa Rica as planned around my birthday. I'm just tired of dealing with the dumb fucks saying things they have no business knowing about. "What are you going to do when/if he dies?", "How close are you, are you sure?" REALLY? I don't recall it being okay for you to even bring anything like that up. I also don't want to hear about your petty bullshit problems with your fake fucking relationships with no trust and nothing worth giving a shit about. Thanks.

Anyway though. I hope I get to volunteer for the jack johnson show in ATL. I'm excited about that whole movement, we'll see.

<3

ponder

Thu, 08 May 2008 17:27:53 GMT

I often wonder if I'm strong enough to do this. It almost gets to the point of half-way believing what the people are saying. But, somehow it always comes back together in the end.

love life.

Thu, 10 Apr 2008 07:38:43 GMT

So many people anymore are such a waste of energy. I have a problem with so called friends that are quite unreliable. I have a hard time trusting anyone, and you wonder? STICK WITH YOUR WORDS. How hard is that? If you Know that you're not going to do something in all seriousness. Why act like you're going to. Fags. Why do they say things that they think you want to hear? Why can't you just stick with your word? Be a Loyal person. You're like the boy who cried wolf, but more retarded.

g nite kiddies

.

Sat, 05 Apr 2008 05:44:44 GMT

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage
to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."
I've been having trouble telling the difference. I'm making more of an effort to give up on that last bit of hope for you. My wishful thinking is diminishing. I'll just accept that there's plenty left unsaid. There's not a thing in the world I can do about any of it. If out of some whim you bring it up, then so be it. But, I don't see any of that happening like it should. You're never going to change. You said that you'd grow up and talk about all of this but, you speak empty words. I'm trying to accept things will never be the same. Forget it.

It's funny how the people you care about, never really gave a fuck about you. You wonder why I despise people. Talking to you isn't helping me anymore, it's only making me beat myself up more & more. Fuck.

Sun, 23 Mar 2008 05:15:00 GMT

People tend to take things for granted, I'm not innocent though. I wish I could say I live completely free of worry. It'd all be a lie. But, with my best efforts I try my damnedest to not dwell on anything. Why let thing's bring you down if you don't have to?

I just really hope that certain people find it in them to stop lying to themselves and forgetting about the people that should actually matter. I'm sick of acting like it all doesn't get to me every once in awhile. It does.

It's sad to think that the only time you truly appreciate something is when it's gone, or you have a fear that it will leave for good. I don't want to have to make you believe that, but why bother? Why haven't you grown some balls. Why don't you care? Fucking grow some balls and tell me what's going on eh?

With all the chaos that's been going on in the last month, I must say that through all the ruckus.. my family means more to me than anything, they're the only one I've got after all. You can't change your family.

Goodnight.
pray for the troops.

:]

Wed, 12 Mar 2008 20:32:51 GMT

If there were a way for putting into words how I feel, without revealing how much I actually Feel.. I would.

I attempt to make an effort to take a little time out of every day, just for me. Whether it be reading, running, sleeping, going to the pool, ipod-ing, writing, skating, or taking myself out to lunch :). It's really the only thing that has kept me somewhat sane for these last few years. If there's ever a time that I feel like I'm neglecting to do any of this, I go into a period of complete solitude, and usually eliminate whatever it is that's holding me back (ie: freakishly clingly people). There's nothing more relaxing than sitting by the pool and reading. Cliche, and hard to concentrate at times depending upon what little hoodlum is running around while I'm trying to settle in. Whatever the case, I'm thankful. I'm happy that there are small periods of time that I can take out of my "busy" life to just be me.

and ps. i cannot wait for spring break.

eye hate you

Wed, 12 Mar 2008 06:56:17 GMT

so its 2, nearly three AM, and I can't sleep. I have a severe case of what the FUCK is in my eye. My left eye decided to get some sort of unknown pathogen in it, and I can't fucking sleep while scratching it off of my head. Hopefully I'll look like the crackhead I feel like when I wake up for class (that's to say that I actually get any sleep tonight). I popped in a movie, in attempts for some rest..a no go. I even read a book. I'm screwed, aha oh man.

I also broke a button off of my keyboard, and the little bastard won't go back on.

goodnight/morning.

should be doing math

Sun, 02 Mar 2008 20:28:53 GMT

Each time I blink, it seems like another month has gone by. Life's moving at a rapid pace, so I guess I should choose my path wisely. I feel as though I'll never finish school. It's consumed more than half of my life, and I'm just done trying. Until I figure out how to be more passionate about it, I'm screwed.

So, I went to Germany. Seemed like forever ago already with the way that time's passing. It was a blast, and I'm happy that I got to experience it with him so I could comprehend what it's like there. I figured that I should go. With it being such a great opportunity, and cheap if you figure it all out. I won't see him again for another 8 months but I'm okay with that. With as crazy as I am, it's probably better that way.

"The longest absence is less perilous to love than the terrible trials of incessant proximity" -ouida

I'd prefer to see someone far less often than having them in my face at all times. I tend to lean towards one extreme or the other. I do like being able to stay independent, for now. I was so sick and tired of having the last one down my throat all the time and constantly wanting to be around me like a little puppy dog. It made me hate myself, and who I was letting myself become. I hated the way that it made me feel. He was terrible, and I'm glad it's over with completely. phew.

We took a lot of really retarded pictures, but I've never been so happy to be irrational in my life. I only wish we could have had more time to see eachother. These two week extravaganza's are going to be what my life consists of for awhile. See you in costa rica in about 7-8 months :)

jp

Mon, 11 Feb 2008 06:32:35 GMT

I can't help but think about what used to be. I was so thrilled to talk to you, so happy to have you to call a friend. Through our falling out, I realized that I'll never stop caring about you. Though, you know nothing better than to shut it all out. I can only hope that you'd one day man up and talk to me. I fear that we'll never run into eachother again, or hang out and be retards together. You don't want to hurt your pride, and I'm just sitting here waiting. The harder I tried to see you, the more you just shut me out. I refuse to try anymore, because all you filled me with were empty promises. I still harbor all the blame for this falling apart, and I'm still pretty upset with myself when it comes down to it. I never know what to think, because it's still just one big nothing anymore. There's still so many words left unsaid, and the only time I get a rise out of you is when I'm truly upset. What's the use anyway? You don't care. I don't really know what it is that I'm trying to accomplish anymore with you, I guess I'm just too stubborn to see that I'm wasting my time, and yours. I need to just let you go completley. I'm being a jerk, still caring about you. I don't feel like pretending to be such great friends anymore when I still have this lingering in the back of my head, always. We bullshit about nothing, but as much as I don't like to admit, it drives me mad.

just talk to me, would you?

germany

Fri, 08 Feb 2008 05:21:52 GMT

Everything's been relatively ridiculous. Not too long ago I decided to let go of the things that were holding me back. It took me awhile to realize that until I learned to truly forgive the people that hurt me, I'd never be completley content. Despite all efforts to mend broken bridges, nothing's perfect. I can however say that I gave it my best shot. The weight has been lifted, even though I wasn't aware that I was being held back for so long. I'm embracing the new changes in my life, though I know I've been the asshole. Despite all efforts, I always end up being the bad guy.

My trip out of the country is now 6 days away. I never would have believed that I'd do something like this, but I can't get enough. It's crazy to me at times what I muster up. I never could have pictured myself doing anything like this a year ago. I'm throwing myself out in the open, and I'm not too worried about it; surprisingly. I've never been on a plane alone, or out of the country for that matter. Though, I see myself traveling a lot in the future, so why not get a head start? Apparentley, my trip has upset a few people. What do you want me to do? Somehow, someway someones always mad. Get over it. I'll live my life, you live yours.

It's about time I start something new in my life. Something beneficial, something healthy for me. I like challenges. I'd like to think that This is all worth it, but I'm not stupid enough to believe that completely. I'm not head over heels, I'm not in love. I just want to live. I want to be free, and I want to have something worth hoping for. If that's too much to ask, it's whatever.

It's nice to feel like there's someone out there that helps me fill in my empty spaces. It's much more gratifying to put the same amount of effort into this as you do. I'm glad we feel the same. Blah, blah I'm shuttig up.

Thu, 24 Jan 2008 04:16:23 GMT

..and you don't even care. Say something, say anything.

Sat, 19 Jan 2008 07:10:36 GMT

Fuck you.

I give up on you.

time

Wed, 16 Jan 2008 07:53:10 GMT

My minds a mess, but I'm not all too bothered by it. I wish things could have been a little different, but for what? Apparently things were never supposed to work out. I'm just thankful for what little we still have left; our random friendship.

It may still be a shame that you never said more. All I wanted was once chance to sort things out. But, I guess we can't all get what we'd hoped for. I just wanted to clear it all up, once and for all, and take it for all that it was worth. I feel like I wasn't worth your time.

All I wanted was to apologize, and for once just put all the crap aside. I just wanted to hear it from you, your side. But, I guess I was just a waste of time, and it's a shame shame. You try to be so mysterious with all of this, and I despise it a little. Just speak your mind, that's all. But, then again..what's it my business anyway? I just want to tell you that ps. I miss you.

for one last time, I just wish you wouldn't leave me hangin'

blah

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 05:44:08 GMT

Things will never change with you. No matter how much I hope and wish that they would. Besides, it's a little too late now. I'd lost hope again. It's done. Wishful thinking? Gone. You can only hope for something so long until it all plays out how it's supposed to. I'm dissapointed that this is how it worked itself out.

I suppose I'm the person who needs the reassurance. I need to know. I can't assume things, I need the cut and dry truth. Everything or nothing at all. Yes, there's room to wonder, but how can I stick around if I'm unsure that there's reason to do so? It's over with now, I realize.

On to new things. I suppose we'll never sort this out.

Tue, 25 Dec 2007 05:19:35 GMT

eh lets just say, I've lost all hope. Good riddance.

Things left unsaid.

Mon, 24 Dec 2007 03:10:03 GMT

Latley, this has really been bugging me out. It's strange, and only when I take time for myself that I realize, I've left so many things unsaid. There's so many things I want to clear up, maybe for my own sanity.. or for the sake of understanding yours. I feel guilty. I feel all wrong. I'm lying to myself, and I can't continue on that way. I believe that the worst part is, not knowing if you're alright. I care about you as a person, and I value you.. more than you could understand, and more than I could in the beginning. I wanted to thank you a thousand times over, for helping me become a more peaceful person. You gave me hope that I wasn't sure existed anymore, and I wanted you to understand that. I feel so ignorant for shutting you out, for being so childish about something you felt so strongly about. I reacted out of impulse, and went back to something that I found comfort in; being an asshole to people I care about. You scared me off, and I was completley terrified. But, I realize now how stupid I acted. You did what you thought was right, and I wish then that I could have realized how much you were putting your heart out there. For the sake of just trying with everything you had, for once last chance.. to save something you wanted to keep around.

I cannot seem to find a way to tell you how much I miss you, without jumping out of character. But, I know no other way. You continue to hold a place in my hopeless heart, I cannot change that. There's something about you.. that pulls me in, and I can't let it go. Something is telling me to hold on, to just hang in there.

I wish I wasn't so terrified to tell you all of this, just to have you know. I'd settle down a bit I guess. I respect that you did what you did so you could stop lying to yourself. I'm still a lying asshole, and I want to get that out of my system, NOW. I hope I grow big enough balls to tell you soon. If it ruins the rest of whatever friendship we have, so be it. I just want you to know, I fucking miss you. Because nothing is worse than talking to you, and having you believe that everything is okay.. when it's Not. Not yet.

got er done.

Wed, 19 Dec 2007 23:47:53 GMT

This visit to the fort wasn't half as bad as I'd imagined. Hung out with some randoms though, I miss that. Had some great times camping at Koreshan state park, it was a teeny smaller than I'd thought I'd be. I still enjoyed myself. As always though, it's proven that the people that you'd hope you can rely on never work out. It's always the people that you'd never imagine would pull through for you that will, so that's fun. All I really hoped for this trip, was accomplished. I got almost all of my Christmas shopping done, and had a grand ole campfire :).

That's all.

oh here we go.

Sun, 16 Dec 2007 20:12:00 GMT

The time passes slowly,
the hurt sizzles out.
I'd hope things could be the same
But, I have my doubts.
Such a big part of me,
consisted of you.
I had no idea who to be,
I had no fucking clue.

It took me some time to realize,
that you left me feeling bitter.
And I'd never felt so alone.
I get so stubborn at times,
that I have no idea where to turn.
I'm a little concerned.

I don't know where we stand.
You've probably moved on from this mess.
I couldn't point the finger,
or blame you for my self inflicted stress.
I'd wanted for you to be happy,
though you were convinced you could be with me.
You came on a little strong.
I couldn't agree.

I felt all wrong.
I was nothing less than shocked.
Acting like a child,
I blocked it all out.
Sticking my head in a hole,
I wish I knew what this was about.
and I'm truly sorry.

Now that the storms have calmed,
It's clear to me.
I still care.
That will never change.
You're something different,
and someone I can't get out of my head
No matter how hard I try.

I feel selfish for saying,
that I want you to be around.
I want you there.
For your friendship,
and your crazy antics.
I miss you man, truly.

You could never understand
how much I valued you.
I want to be pals again.
For whatever reason,
you continue to resurface in my life.
I can't forget about such an amazing rush,
the tsunami.

wow, I'm gay.

yep

Sat, 10 Nov 2007 05:20:19 GMT

Your horoscope - Today, November 9, 2007
You may find yourself really feeling like the black sheep today, bam. Don't let this get you down. You've probably often felt this way before, even if not so much as now. But consider this: even if you don't fit readily into the mainstream, would you really want to? Yours is a distinct and unique personality, much to the envy of those around you (even if they don't openly say so). Celebrate who you are. After all, you can't be anyone else.

I thought that was pretty nifty. That's all.

oh fucking boy.

Sun, 28 Oct 2007 05:55:07 GMT

I don't care to sound intellectual, I don't care to care. I'm randomly going to fort myers tomorrow, to go back to the place that I once called my home. It's comical now, I feel as though I were meant to be here. I cannot decide if I feel like I've been in this so called "new" town for long or not. It's still insane to imagine how different my life has become, due to my own concious decisions. I'm happy that I left. It just drives me a little crazy to believe that this is all due to me following what I'd promised myself. None of this could exist, if I hadn't let it. To think that the people that I've met here, wouldn't have ever met me if I hadn't made this choice. Fuck thinking about all that nonsense, but really.. it boggles me. As of tomorrow, I'm going back to visit the family and whatnot, intresting to say the least. I'm happy that things have worked out, to my favor, for the most part. I'm happy here, and happy with who I am. Above all else, I have a family that cares about me, and I never thought I'd be able to say that.. and mean it. I'm bringing my boyfriend Kemp with me tomorrow to the fort, to meet my family. OH fucking boy. I'm scared, but in the end, I know that everything will be okay. This is a big deal, but I'm not quite sure if I've let myself believe that yet. We'll see how it goes :)

Mon, 22 Oct 2007 00:33:21 GMT

I question myself time and again. I wonder if many of the things I put my time into mean a damned thing. I wonder, wonder. Fuck it.

another day gone.

Thu, 04 Oct 2007 00:34:52 GMT

Don't look forward, never look back. Just think of now.

Thu, 27 Sep 2007 03:16:35 GMT

fear consumes. consideration blooms. hate degrades. love invades. hurt processes. pain remains.

time

Wed, 12 Sep 2007 04:24:18 GMT

Happiness is a learned behavior.
Take it how you will.
You soon learn that the engergy
will lose its common thrill.
Find something more,
to fill that empty space.
Learn to let go,
and have nothing take it's place.
Live your days through and through.
Let go of all the meaningless bullshit you used to do.
Time has a way of showing,
who we really are.